Tiger Woods - An Average Man At Home

It’s tempting to get caught up in the sensational drama about Tiger Woods and his alleged mistresses. In fact, it’s hard not to have it seep into your consciousness; after all, the media won’t leave it alone, will they? And although ten is a rather high number for this kind of scandal, and although Tiger was marketed as such a squeaky clean icon, which makes this series of transgressions especially egregious, all of these details are really distractions from the question that we all really want answered - Why? Why with so much good in his life – a beautiful model wife, two healthy children, a legendary career, all the money and privilege one can imagine – would he risk it all for a few – ok quite a few - romps with only reasonably good looking women?

There are, of course, the obvious (and probably to some degree true) answers:

1. He’s addicted to sex. This seems like his only legitimate PR out. We are sympathetic to addicts, especially those who are willing to get professional help. No doubt, the experts will assert that the high number of mistresses points to some sort of addictive, irrational behavior, and that with hard work and therapy he can make great progress. Might be true, but since when did men in power need to be addicted to sex to take advantage of their power to get sex. Seems like an overkill answer to me.

2. Men of power are like conquerors. They get a thrill from meeting, wooing, and bedding women. It plays into the ego and profile of a powerful, testosterone charged men. It’s the societal equivalent of the hunt. But really, conquest? Do men of power have to conquer potential mistresses? Conquerors historically have had to overcome countries that resisted their advances. How is this an appropriate explanation for a golfer who has ten women clamoring to produce evidence that they had relations with him. I don’t imagine that Tiger had to work hard to persuade any of the “alleged” to be more than friends.

3. He’s unhappy at home. He is not having sex with his wife. Rather, his wife won’t have sex with him. Very likely. He has young children, which for any regular married man creates obstacles to marital intimacy. Add to the equation that he travels all the time, coupled with the normal challenges that married people face like fatigue, conflicting schedules, resentment, and passion cooling familiarity, and there you have a perfect storm of circumstances to give his wife a year’s worth of headaches. The only problem with this conclusion is that they probably have help with the kids. It’s also likely that they have assistants who in turn have assistants, and if they wanted to schedule in the passion and the rest and relaxation necessary to keep the passion alive, they probably have more help than they can use to do so.

4. Finally, because he can. Most men can’t find ten attractive women willing to be the other woman. He can. If a man has that much pull, he doesn’t need a reason to yank the rope. He would entertain these possibilities simply because they present themselves to him day in and day out. The only problem with this is, if it is just about sex, it’s gotta get old. Not the sex, but the logistics of keeping these trysts discreet and out of your wife and the media’s eye. I’m sure to the average guy, Tiger’s philandering seems like fantasy gone only slightly wrong, but it’s gotta be harder than it looks if at the end of the day, it’s all about the release. After all, he probably could work less hard to keep his wife happy, and not have to risk his empire if it were just about the comfort of a “little warm death.” Even more, why would he get married if he just wanted to sport sex around? He could be a guilt free bachelor without kids right now, and since he is not stupid, one has to assume he thought he could be married if he decided to get married. However, since I don’t have it like Tiger, it might be hard for me to say.

Nonetheless, I think the most likely reason is one that we frequently overlook. In fact to be fair, this is hardly just about Tiger. This has been a high profile year with Tiger, David Letterman, Mark Sanford and John Edwards in an amazingly high profile decade for philandering from men of power- from Bill Clinton to Jesse Jackson. So what gives? Why do these men risk it all for a few good (we can only assume they are good for none of them seem to address the quality of their affairs after they are caught) lays. I think the answers lie in the socks on the floor.

These great men are married to, perhaps, great women. Who knows? We never really get to know a wife when she is relegated to the cuckolded spouse role. But more important the men are married to women who live with them. And any man reading this who is married knows one basic truth about being married: No matter how good you think you are out in the world, at home to your wife, your are still just a man who leaves his socks on the floor, or keeps a messy bathroom, or doesn’t plan the home social calendar well, or is just clueless about how to do things, the really important things that have to do with life and living right. Yeah, she loves you and all, father of her children mess, but the truth is you are still really another kid to take care of. In short, a great man is not a great man in his home. He is just a man. And therein lies the challenge for great men. The rest of the world is tripping over itself to do what they want and to tell them how great they are, and their wives know better, know them better, and know just how regular they are – and as a result, feel no need to join in with the rest of the world in a chorus of “for he is a jolly good fellow” for that they truly can deny.

So what is a great man to do? Come home and be humbled by his inadequacy for negotiating the real life of marriage and family. Come home and check his greatness at the door and be content with the fact that while his wife may have once upon a time been among the admiring, that she is now the only legitimate critic – a critic for whom there is no real effective rebuttal, no way of making her a fan again, at least not for long. Come home and realize that while he is a “walking on water” saint to the world, he routinely missteps at home and his all too human intentions and omissions disappoint her and betray his God like status. No. He must find other admirers - women, if he is heterosexual – who will with their minds, souls, and, most importantly, bodies remind him over and over how great he truly is. Who doesn’t want to be a legend in the world and in the home? And if you can’t be one at home, go back out into the world and relive your greatness with as many as will emphatically decree it. That is a compelling “why” to me. I’d put money on it.

By compelling, do I mean justifiable? No. I can understand why some people are racist, others ignorant, most incurably selfish, and all of us decidedly oblivious to the many inconvenient things we should do to make our world better. Do I think those motivations justify bad human behavior? Of course not. But understanding them gives me a sense of peace and an actionable perspective. Understanding one of the possible reasons men like Tiger find that they are greater than every external antagonist they face but embarrassingly vulnerable to their need to be celebrated is a third rail for me that lines my path toward scandal-less life (knock on wood for me: no pun intended.)

I think it is important information for women who marry great men. It’s hard to be a man’s equal when the world wants to be his sycophant – at least hard for him to be humble enough to be content with being an average man at home – for him to be content behind closed doors without the constant and hyperbolic praise. But that’s the challenge. And many great men are proving it is not an easy challenge to live up to. Yet, I am fully aware that it is much harder being the jilted wife in said situation – quite a bit harder I am sure. So, what’s to be done? Women should stop marrying great men who are addicted to praise? Praise addicted men need 12 step programs? Maybe we need to address our need to idolize, our own societal addiction to power and greatness. For had we not made Tiger a veritable King Solomon simply for being able to hit a golf ball well, he would not have been able to obtain and exploit a harem.